It came in waves (a Covid memoir)

It came in waves..

crashing over my body

hitting it with thousands of needles

piercing my skin all over

numbing my limbs, my fingertips, my toes

when the life washing waves would recede 

the sharp pins would be left in me

like metals holding strong in hot lava

sweat washing over me 

the feeling of fire mixed with ice

a bittersweet reminder

that I could still feel

even when my numb limbs

couldn’t walk

or even sit

even when my cracked cold lips

couldn’t gather enough strength

to form a word, let alone talk

or even chew at times

breathing freely

came only as a luxury

tears came rolling down 

each one attempting to release

a bit of the pain and fear

the dark heavy kind that I had

never experienced before

When the waves calmed..

my body..

felt like a sack of potatoes

crushed under passing trucks

on a never ending highway

I could feel the weight of their tires

all over my neck and back

I was sinking

in a bed of quicksand

holding on to a branch 

of foggy memories and dreams

flashing before my eyes

my head..

not the usual heaviest migraine bowling ball

but a cracked open version

one that just rolls into the gutter

without hitting a single pin

feeling my pulse

like hammers on the sides of my head

numbed momentarily by the flow of

cold ice packs and wet towels

thinking, was a luxury

I didn’t have

I knew that this pain 

was one that I had to endure

for days to come

my heart..

swollen and constrained in a small chamber

beating as bold as a kick drum

as fast as a sprint runner at the finishing line

fighting with each beat

against a well known intruder

held at the gates

for more than three years

now finally breaking the gate

and entering with revenge

shattering every defensive wall built by

what I thought of as good nutrition

five vaccines

and a good lifestyle

and taking my independence

and my pride

as war souvenirs

he kept saying:

“The first day was the hardest..”

then I remember she said to me: 

“Mommy hang in there!

The day is almost over!”

I turned my neck slowly

enough to the left

to take a glance at the clock

it was only 4:15

time was as blurry

as my vision 

aside from nature

giving me another chance

my family saved me

even though some

weren’t physically present

from drowning in my own tears 

from letting go of that branch

which was much stronger

than I could have ever understood

in my lowest blood pressure

threatening to collapse me

to the ground

I thought I was invincible

that I had an invisible, protective

motherly shield

but now I know..

that shield can break into pieces

right before my eyes

and I would have to 

crawl over the floor

without my glasses

without my strength

or even hope at times

to look for

every little piece

to put it together again

in some shape or form..

..feels good to be born again.