It came in waves..
crashing over my body
hitting it with thousands of needles
piercing my skin all over
numbing my limbs, my fingertips, my toes
when the life washing waves would recede
the sharp pins would be left in me
like metals holding strong in hot lava
sweat washing over me
the feeling of fire mixed with ice
a bittersweet reminder
that I could still feel
even when my numb limbs
couldn’t walk
or even sit
even when my cracked cold lips
couldn’t gather enough strength
to form a word, let alone talk
or even chew at times
breathing freely
came only as a luxury
tears came rolling down
each one attempting to release
a bit of the pain and fear
the dark heavy kind that I had
never experienced before
When the waves calmed..
my body..
felt like a sack of potatoes
crushed under passing trucks
on a never ending highway
I could feel the weight of their tires
all over my neck and back
I was sinking
in a bed of quicksand
holding on to a branch
of foggy memories and dreams
flashing before my eyes
my head..
not the usual heaviest migraine bowling ball
but a cracked open version
one that just rolls into the gutter
without hitting a single pin
feeling my pulse
like hammers on the sides of my head
numbed momentarily by the flow of
cold ice packs and wet towels
thinking, was a luxury
I didn’t have
I knew that this pain
was one that I had to endure
for days to come
my heart..
swollen and constrained in a small chamber
beating as bold as a kick drum
as fast as a sprint runner at the finishing line
fighting with each beat
against a well known intruder
held at the gates
for more than three years
now finally breaking the gate
and entering with revenge
shattering every defensive wall built by
what I thought of as good nutrition
five vaccines
and a good lifestyle
and taking my independence
and my pride
as war souvenirs
he kept saying:
“The first day was the hardest..”
then I remember she said to me:
“Mommy hang in there!
The day is almost over!”
I turned my neck slowly
enough to the left
to take a glance at the clock
it was only 4:15
time was as blurry
as my vision
aside from nature
giving me another chance
my family saved me
even though some
weren’t physically present
from drowning in my own tears
from letting go of that branch
which was much stronger
than I could have ever understood
in my lowest blood pressure
threatening to collapse me
to the ground
I thought I was invincible
that I had an invisible, protective
motherly shield
but now I know..
that shield can break into pieces
right before my eyes
and I would have to
crawl over the floor
without my glasses
without my strength
or even hope at times
to look for
every little piece
to put it together again
in some shape or form..
..feels good to be born again.
