The phone call

I am out with lanterns looking for myself.

– Emily Dickinson

Every night I wait to see if my parents will call. Even though my dad has told me a few times that they would try to call every 48 hours or so. So calling every night is not our agreement. At night, I don’t silence my phone anymore so that I wouldn’t miss their call. Their call usually comes later, after I’ve fallen asleep around 10:45 pm. They always ask if I was asleep and I say no, because I want them to call whenever it is convenient for them even if I am asleep. I think maybe since the internet is shut off there, they never knew about the time change here but that doesn’t matter. 

I jump up, grab my phone and go to the living room so as not to wake my family up. I always feel so disoriented to say the least. Am I in the middle of a nightmare? Or has my life turned into a nightmare? Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between the two. My heart would race to hear the tone of their voice and try to understand how they were from their tone and not their words. But my dad, and especially my dad, knows how to keep calm in his voice. They always sound hopeful and in control. I am always the panicked one. 

What is there to say during a war? How would I ever know the extent of what is really going on there? How would I know how far those blasts were from them? I am pretty sure that they are telling me very little. They know how I am and they are trying to shield me as much as possible. That explains why I keep searching, reading and watching. Trying to put the pieces of the world’s most horrific puzzle together and make some sense of it. But the more I read, the more lost I feel. The more discouraged by this world and the unfortunate people who are running it.