1. Resorption

It happened on a Thursday afternoon of the first week of a long awaited summer, when my biggest worry was my cat’s teeth. I opened Youtube.

I opened Youtube to maybe find ways to save Gracie’s teeth from what the vet had called the irreversible “tooth resorption”, the day before, when Taran and I took her for her first checkup. I had postponed the checkup so many times, fearing that they might find something wrong with her. The only option to relieve her from the pain would be to pull out the affected teeth.

I remember the chilling wave that had traveled through my body when she said we would have to put her under anesthesia and pull the teeth out. How eerily calm the vet looked when she said it. How terrified Gracie looked, crawled to a corner under the vet’s computer monitor, not knowing why we had brought her to this nauseatingly yellow, empty and strange room and what was going to happen to her. But isn’t there any other way, I asked, to save those teeth? Nope. There isn’t. So is she in pain right now? I asked. Yes, she said again so indifferently. She could very well be in pain, silently.

I opened YouTube, and the video popped up.   The video you would never want to see. The video you wish was made by AI. The video that would hopefully be blocked on a child’s Youtube. Usually what would pop up would be videos on diet or nutrition similar to what I had been watching before or makeup tutorials or Katseye similar to what Taran had been watching. But not this afternoon.

Multiple blasts across Tehran. Tehran. The city where I was born. Thick black smoke rising with the sun from different corners of it. I looked at the time. I wasn’t able to think straight, as my mind seemed frozen like a page on a screen waiting to reload. I opened the Clock app on my phone and it was 4:30 am in Tehran. People were asleep when the bombs hit. I have to wait. Yes, I have to wait before making one of hardest phone calls I have ever made. I suddenly felt very aware of the cold air in my mouth. How dry and difficult it felt when I swallowed the thick saliva in my mouth. My heart was beating like a kick drum, heavy and strong. My fingertips were starting to tingle as I opened BBC. I felt like the air around me was getting so constricted. My chest felt tight like a dark solitary cell in Evin prison in Tehran, the city where I grew up. The name Tehran kept repeating in my head, scratchy, as if stuck on an old scratched record. I started thinking of my daughter’s name, Taran, and how a teacher in her elementary school had once thought she was named after the city of Tehran. How bothered she is and has been by the fact no one can really pronounce her name correctly. How many other, easier or more pronounceable names she has tried on since she was 9 years old and none has really fit. 

Multiple “targets” hit in Tehran. Bombs falling right out of the sky. So many horrific scenes flashing so quickly before my eyes I could hardly recognize the difference. Could this be a nightmare?

Resorption: A process in which a substance, such as tissue, is lost by being destroyed and then absorbed by its own body. One possible cause: trauma. 

Note: In nature, an animal in pain or distress runs the risk of being chosen as prey. Therefore, animals instinctually hide pain and continue eating and acting as if nothing is wrong even though they may be experiencing significant discomfort.