Don't spill your hope

my head feels like a hostage
pulsing with pain
my words are tortured
my thoughts are tied up

each drawer that opens and closes
is thunder and storm
every hint of light is a flashlight
burning into my eyes

life is on hold
motherhood suffers the most
waking up free
with no pain
is a luxury and a blessing
something to celebrate
something to look forward to..

hey, strong head
don't give in
don't spill your hope
don't give up responsibility
rise and smile

play it down
this game is old
this process is overdone
no matter how many years
no matter how many times
turn it around
the pain is your hostage
seize it, question it, know it
and then free it
breathe..

I wake to your smile

I had a bad dream
I dreamt that our lego houses
were getting knocked over by strange planes
the colors were disappearing from our drawings
our free bubbles were getting stuck behind tall walls
and the beautiful butterflies in the park were losing their wings

but luckily, I wake..

I wake to your smile
what a joy to see

I wake to your embrace
sunshine in your eyes

I wake to your kindness

dancing through your hair

I wake to your peace
a true sense of life

I wake to your world
for your heart is the best reminder
of how pure
our nature can be
if only..

When you left

when you left
an old familiar knot formed again
down in my throat
and around my heart

the walls
started closing in on me

the trees
started letting go of their green leaves

I felt like a tiny fish
trapped in a small closed net
deep down in the ocean

I would walk
and my feet would feel every step

I would sit
and the chair would pull me in

I would lie down
and feel bricks
stacked on my heart
pushing down

the realization
that you were gone
and the fragility
of our bodies and our lives
kept slapping me in the face

I wanted to place you somewhere
in an old vibrant childhood memory
where you would go on laughing and laughing
but the memory kept crashing on the ground
like tiny soft flowers hitting hard concrete

the land of my childhood
now seemed worlds away
and impossible to reach

my long arms
had never felt so short

my vivid and clear vision
was now blurry and foggy

pain was there
and there might be more
much more
with deeper scars

and now
I would have to wear this scar
in my heart
not knowing how many more
there would be
and how much more
I would be able to endure.

A laughter with wings

I kept looking outside
from the balcony window
but the leaves
just did not look the same
the colors had changed
they seemed simplified
they seemed like they were in a hurry
they seemed worried
they seemed scared

The playground
did not look the same
it seemed so empty
it seemed so grey and flat
it seemed so fragile
it seemed like it was falling apart

I started hearing the sound of his laughter
everywhere I went
he had a unique laughter
that seemed like it was coming
right from his stomach
and through his heart
a laughter with wings
that would fly around the room
and sit on everyone's shoulder
so true
so free

It embraced me
the familiar and warm sound of his laughter
a well kept gem from my childhood
it was what I could hold onto
to compose myself
it started dancing between the leaves
that had changed color on me
It started coloring the playground again
and putting it back together

tears
were an escape
a way to undo the tight knot
a bridge across the miles
to connect with those that are in great pain
much more than I can possibly feel
or even imagine

tears
I had to let go of only one
out of a hundred
in order to try to maintain
a picture of the world
for my daughter
that I got to look at for many years
a picture
that my parents kept for me
unhindered
unharmed
untouched

a picture
that required no explanations
no excuses
no prayers
no bandages
no pills
no pounding hearts

a picture
without fear
without a single painful tear
a picture
that I can still look up to
and imagine is real

a picture
that still requires
no makeup
and no makeover

a picture
so powerful
that helps me
try to understand
the cycles of nature
and try to be ok with it
and try to still see beauty in it
no matter how fragile
no matter how sudden
no matter how harsh
no matter how dark
no matter how troublesome

a picture
that flies high
with my uncle's free laughter.

A part of you

I, a part of you
you, the whole of me

I, new to this worry
you, bearing it for years

I, smelling the love
you, drowning it in tears

I, leaving memories in toys
you, washing off the years

I, sipping the fear of losing
you, flying with it in your bones

I, blessed with your heart
you, the past on your chest

I, immune with your care
you, risking the waves

I, wishing it was you
you, in a blanket of dreams

I, smiling at the world
you, the lines on your face

I, a part of you
you, the whole of me

The honest glow

After flying thousands of miles
your eyes tear up and shine
almost every time you look at me
most precious little pearls
of love, care and worry
for your days have been my nights
and your nights my days
for too long

the honest glow in your eyes
collapses the miles
and makes the world just as small
as we want it to be
even momentarily
with the sun
warming our cheeks together
and we hold on to these moments
and the warmth
until we meet again

A secret appreciation

This journey we share
is so full of colors
surprises
laughter
joy
and love

in each laughter

a hidden worry
in each surprise
a secret appreciation
for the life I was given
to build
and to guide

and I
don't have any guarantees
that the colors won't change
I don't have any assurance
that I can spot every crack and puddle
every steep angle and sharp edge

but I will try
to keep my mind free
and my heart open
to feel every second
of being with you

you inspire me
to be a better version of myself
you have given me the gift
of unconditional love
with so many colors and lights
flashing in front of my eyes

In the patched pockets of your mind

so it turns

a fresh page

for a new beginning

once more

leaving behind

the known and the familiar

hoping for highs and lows

and the in betweens

so it roars

belief and patience

for its fuel

doubt dancing around

like drops of rain

on its fogged up windshield

so it breaks

changes shape

changes color

some edges sharp

some curvy and soft

some pieces will be lost

maybe sitting and gathering dust

in corners you will never reach

so it shines

so bright at times

that would make it hard to see

but you have to trust

you have to focus

and keep your eyes

on the road ahead

so you pack

enough to help you remember

enough to let you forget

what was

and what could have been

so it shows

with whites on your head

with lines near your eyes

with scars on your shoulders

holes in your bag pack

and memories

like little transparent marbles

in the patched pockets of your mind

curious freedom

"Exile bestows a curious freedom, compensatory perhaps,

to remake the past. In the state of exile we remember as we wish."

-Roger J. Porter

in the midst of it all

i'll take the fall
i'll bring the excuse
i'll show my face
and rest my case

i know that time
helps me forget
and it has
and the sunset
shows new colors every day
for a blending
for a changing of perspective
for a new way of thinking

the past
envelopes itself
it blows itself up
and flies into my sunset colored sky
..i see through it

we are special
you are right
only if we believe we are
and we can live up to our potentials
we can carry our dreams with us
and not let them get lost in the midst of it all..

the colors change

the colors change
within minutes
or even seconds
i know they do
i see that they do
i hold up my hand
i stretch out for yours
we are getting used to this angle
we are getting used to this spot
we are filling in the dots
we are stretching out our thoughts
our imaginations..

the tips of my fingernails

the tips of my fingernails
are white
the edges of my thoughts
are glowing

in the back of my mind
old memories have shifted around
and made way
for the new ones
of the same people
and the same places

i only realized now
how much i had missed
the gray hot summer days
of these streets

i walked around with family
with friends
new and old
under the heat of the sun
and i let the old thoughts melt away
i let my mind float
i let the heat wrap around me
and i carried it with me
back home.

another glance

you take a glimpse
at the water
the colors
the reflections
the flowers floating
mixing with the colors
circling the breeze
you feel the street
the warmth of friends
and you breathe in the energy
you know that this is the present
and that this might seem
one day in the near future
like a familiar dream
so you turn back
and you steal another glance

yesterday's new tints

would i see things differently
when i fly back?
would i hear more?
would i understand?
what will i pack?
what should i bring back?
have the colors changed?
have the clouds rearranged?
why does it seem
as if i will fly into
my own childhood dream?
why do i fly?
why do i fly back?

swirl

a circle
that wraps you in
a swirl
that contains the days
and all that is said
and all that is done

i find myself
by myself again
and it feels
as if it never were
any different..

they cut through lives
and leave
brick steel concrete
lifeless cranes
moving instead
of green leaves
i close my eyes again
and i imagine
blue orange and pink
blending slowly behind
my tall green trees
i close my eyes again
and i imagine..

corner

i mix
i match
i break
i crack
i color all of them back

i store
i send
i crave
i bend
i get back on the track

i see
i hold
i care
i fold
a corner to bring back

tall and strong

it is like I have lost
two of my close friends
he said

i feel the emptiness
i feel the loss

i wonder how
they can cut through life
like that
break it into pieces

i wonder why
i wonder how
people lose their connection
to the nature and the earth
i wonder how they see it

they could have built the house
beside them
they could have built
a smaller house

they could have removed them
and planted them
somewhere else

i feel angry
for not being there
to protect them

i feel sad
i will miss watching them
dancing through the winds
i will miss them welcoming the birds
sitting on their branches
and singing
i will miss the huge nest

i will miss the sunrise
sprinkled on their skin
and the sunset
coloring their backs

i will miss their winter nakedness
their spring blossoms
their full green
their yellow and orange fall

it was so sudden
he said
one day they are here
and the next they are gone

i feel like we are next
he said
that they are coming after us
the machines

i close my eyes
and i imagine
that they are still there
tall
and strong

i will miss our trees..

until

somehow
somewhere
someone
leaves a track
and you follow it
until
you find a new track

somehow
somewhere
something
makes you feel at home
you wrap yourself in it
until
you find a new home

second life

on the roof
right on the edge
of what looks like
a house
i don't know where
not sure if i like it
i really don't know it
don't know how to fly
where to fly
what to look for
what to ask

but there is a mystery
maybe some possibilities
some changes
some challenges
so i try again
i try to stay
i try to equip myself
to be able to be born
again..