Living hurts these days

 

The greatest danger to our future is apathy. 

- Jane Goodall

Last night I dreamed that the war had ended. The capital of Iran had changed to Hormuz and my husband and I were hanging out by the water, close to where that girl was swinging with the smoke in the background. 

I've been looking at the map of Tehran every night. I know it better now than when I used to live there. I keep imagining what Tehran looks like now, bruised, bleeding, broken but still strong with the mountains overlooking the city. The names of the neighborhoods, the streets, and universities take me back to my childhood. The names of the islands in the south of Iran, all take me back to when I was learning about them at school back then. I feel lost. Lost in a world that is losing its meaning.

My brother just called from Vietnam. I like hearing his voice. He said he had a bad dream and was asking if our parents were okay. He has been a light for me even on the darkest nights. He laughs, jokes and remains hopeful. But now even he seems worried. 

Living hurts these days. It's been hurting for three months. I am lost in a purgatory and can't seem to find an exit. The coordinates of my life have changed. The corners have shifted. How can one find their way back? Just knowing how much worse it can get is enough for my heart to keep skipping beats. It's enough for my body to jolt in bed when I am trying to sleep. How much more crazy can one take before they fall out of order? What is the capacity of the world for violence? Can nature heal all this pain, trauma and destruction?