When you left

when you left
an old familiar knot formed again
down in my throat
and around my heart

the walls
started closing in on me

the trees
started letting go of their green leaves

I felt like a tiny fish
trapped in a small closed net
deep down in the ocean

I would walk
and my feet would feel every step

I would sit
and the chair would pull me in

I would lie down
and feel bricks
stacked on my heart
pushing down

the realization
that you were gone
and the fragility
of our bodies and our lives
kept slapping me in the face

I wanted to place you somewhere
in an old vibrant childhood memory
where you would go on laughing and laughing
but the memory kept crashing on the ground
like tiny soft flowers hitting hard concrete

the land of my childhood
now seemed worlds away
and impossible to reach

my long arms
had never felt so short

my vivid and clear vision
was now blurry and foggy

pain was there
and there might be more
much more
with deeper scars

and now
I would have to wear this scar
in my heart
not knowing how many more
there would be
and how much more
I would be able to endure.